Finding Beauty

Like most girls, I find myself struggling to feel pretty.  I want to be beautiful.  But what is this unattainable idea that we spend so much money on??  We starve ourselves, smear make up to try and cover even the smallest of flaws.  And for what?  Who set this idea of what we are supposed to look like?  Even better, why do we stand for it!

Sure, I may be overweight.  I may not be the typical Hollywood ideal.  I don’t think I ever will be.   That doesn’t mean that I should be made to feel like I am ugly.  I should not feel like I am not good enough.  And I’m not going to do that any more.  I’ve wasted too much time obsessing.   Instead, I am going to take the time to enjoy being me.  Loving myself and my life.  That is far more satisfying.  And isn’t that happiness, that confidence far more sexy than obsessing?




Urban gardening

Our attempt at growing veggies in the city.

Use it, Break it, Fix it.

Everybody likes fresh veggies, right? Tell me I’m not wrong on this. I mean, I’m a bit overweight, but meat and potatoes just don’t cut it by themselves.

I grew up in the country, so living in the city the past 8 years has been a major change of scene. I have enjoyed it, but I did miss the garden at my Grandparents’ house where I used to live. I used to help them quite a bit with it, and have a slightly green thumb myself, if I dare say so. Unfortunately, when you live in rented apartments there’s not much you can grow other than maybe some herbs on the windowsill.

Fortunately I just moved into a townhouse with my girlfriend. We’ve got a nice little ‘patio’ concrete slab outside sliding glass doors in the back. It’s small, but the thought occurred that I could put some planters there…

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I have always struggled with depression.  When I look in the mirror, the image I see is not what it is in reality.  I spiral into thoughts that I will never be loved, that I am not pretty, that people use me.  I know that these things are all wrong, but it turns into a vicious cycle.

Through the years I have learned to put on a mask to hide my insecurities.  Through performing with my marching band, concert band and now the flute choir, I have started noticing that slowly, that mask is becoming my reality.  By ‘faking it til I make it’, I am becoming the person I have portrayed.  More confident, stronger, happier.

This isn’t a fast change.  As much as I wish it was.  It’s taking time, and sometimes I have major setbacks, but it is happening.  Until the day that I am that person, I will keep wearing my mask and slowly let the changes happen until I become the person I choose to be.